Archives for category: you’ll make it when you stop fighting

The title is from a picture quote:

I don’t want to sound arrogant, but this is what happens all the time when you’re “psychotic,” or what’s even called “extreme” states.

You think that other people actually are that interested in being human, and it’s baffling their responses, because even would you be off kilter a bit or more than a bit, you’d allow them the same space (you allow yourself to make yourself vulnerable) but no. You’d have to be “sane” in order to actually acquire the right to judge others as crazy, and that doesn’t allow for that much room to express what it is to be human. And it tries to replace being human with being allowed to judge others.

It’s really frustrating because the more you love being human, the less you want to believe they have such fear of it. I just doesn’t make sense.

It took me a long time to learn how to detach, but when you do, then you give them whatever space they need.

All of their senseless behavior.

But when you just let go of judging that as if it’s real, then it leaves them with nothing to hold onto. And the word forgive is also so incredibly contaminated, because getting away from the situation becomes that rather than even thinking you have to judge them, and especially yourself, as if you’re doing some service staying in the situation.

And a lot of it is shockingly short term. People like you, and think you’re cute, because you dare to make yourself that vulnerable as human, to shed your inhibitions, to be the same as children are. But after awhile, and it starts to rub against all of the compromises: the lack of indoctrination, this starts to rub against their dogma, limitations and fixated presumptions, then they all of a sudden lose interest in such an “extreme” expression of what it is to be human.

Thank God there are people, and quite a few actually (but also certainly not too many), that just get it.

It’s like the wave particle duality and entanglement in Quantum Physics. You effect what you see, and you’re not separate from it, even if there’s space or time in-between.

And then there’s the holographic Universe too.

What would be arrogant would be to act like one is required to accept such limitations, dogmas, inhibitions, fears and judge others who don’t. Accepting what it is to be human isn’t a loss, and it’s not a sign of insanity, or a psychotic condition. It’s not even really anything extreme; what’s extreme is to accept limitations.

It’s going to be “extreme” when people have to stop polluting the planet, and have to stop depleting resources in a manner which damages the planet; but only extreme for people who think it’s a loss to have to stop doing that, and for the ones who will try to play games to be part of the few who try to continue such trends…


I went to catch the bus around 10:30 PM. And there’s a mulberry tree down the street, on the way to the bus. It’s also like magic to me, because it’s one of those special places you might remember from childhood. I have a Winnie the Pooh book which has a map of the special places for Pooh, and it so reminded me of those special places we all somehow have when you’re a child. Somehow the world is more intimate, and we take in the immense beauty of the simplest things, and give them magic. We had a bunch of mulberry trees in what was either part of a parking lot for a church or a vacant lot; and that’s one of the good memories of childhood, to go there and pick mulberries. The feeling of the berries on your hands, and all of the plump juice, and the wild taste of them, God’s free gifts. So, to me the mulberry tree down the street is magic also, and there used to be one at the Peace Garden down town. Something the Catholic Church had allowed the people interested in having a community garden use; that’s until they sold it, probably because they needed money having to deal with paying off so many of the children who had been molested by their priests, or for other reasons they needed money. Anyhow, as I was going to catch the bus and about to pass by this tree, I noticed a mass, quite a large mass, moving from under the tree. It ended up being a whole deer, since I’m close enough to a bike path going along a creek that there are deer around. It went to the other side of the street, where I noticed there was another pair of ears and eyes, the same, looking at it. Motioning to each other, from inside the light of their freedom. Open wonder at the world. So careful. So happy. Then it hopped away towards it’s friend.. It was just such a wonderful energy, what first seemed like a nebulous cloud of energy underneath the tree, and then turned out to be a deer.



I stole a piece of Heaven
Down the street
Drooping from a tree

It wasn’t until I saw the rainbow
Coming out of heaven’s clouds
The one’s around the little berries

It’s then I heard the birds
And noticed the butterflies

Where had time stopped
Slowed down to a cupped palm
Holding out Salvation
Hanging from a Mulberry tree?

Once upon a time there was a boy (or a girl)
This child had a toy. The toy was real for the child for two reasons.
1) The child was innocent and believed
2) For the child the toy was what it was,
as part of creation; this meant that the child 
saw it as part of creation. Being that creation 
is creation and not destruction (because if
destruction was real there would be nothing
left over in the end) the child really knew 
what the toy was. 
    So the toy lived, something
many people would think is impossible. Most
people didn't believe the child but the child
didn't give up and grew older. One day a very jealous person stole the child's toy. This jealous person burned the child's toy and made a video tape of it and sent it to the child so that the child could see it. The jealous person was sure that the child would be very upset but the child wasn't because the child knew that the toy came from creation and not from destruction and thus it couldn't really be destroyed. Instead the child started to talk to the toy everyday and felt the toys presence by talking to it although it had been burned. The child was actually happy to know that the toy couldn't be destroyed rather than to be resentful and hate the person who had burned the toy.  The child also had a job where he worked with other people. The other people he worked with heard him talking to his toy. They asked him who he was talking to.  When he told them that he was talking to his toy they became very concerned because they thought that he was crazy. They went to a mental health facility and wrote a petition to have him committed to an asylum. They said that he was a danger to himself and other's because he was hearing voices and talking to them which was crazy. They thought this pointed out that his judgment was impaired. The child was picked up by men with guns called policemen and brought to an asylum. He was kept in this asylum until the court system had time to review his case to make a decision what they would do with him. He stayed in the asylum for a couple of weeks while all sorts of people watched his behavior and listened to him talk to his toy. They didn't ask him about his toy they just watched him, some of them even looked a bit scared because they thought that if someone told him that the toy wasn't real that he should believe that. When he came before the judge the judge first listened to his coworkers (who were at the trial as well to give testimony as to why he was crazy) and listened to them tell their stories about how they thought the child was crazy and talked to something they thought wasn't real. After the child's coworkers said what they thought  the judge turned to the child and asked him if this was true. The child said that it was, that he talked to his toy. The judge actually thought already that the child was crazy, but he had been taught that he had to ask questions so he asked the child. "Why do you talk to the toy?" The child explained how someone had stolen and burned his toy and sent him the video tape of it. The child also explained that when he talked to the toy he could still feel that the toy was alive and that it was still part of creation and he didn't feel that the toy was gone but he felt it was still with him. He explained that he had for one moment, when he saw the tape, felt angry and full of hatred toward the person who had burned his toy, but he also at the same moment didn't feel the presence of his toy anymore. But when he started talking to his toy, he felt it's presence again realizing that it was no good to hate because it took the very thing away from him that he was angry about. 
    Then a very unexpected thing happened: the judge suddenly bowed his head down and started crying. He cried for a couple of minutes. During this time he was remembering how he had been taught about forgiveness in his church, which was Christian, but he never really understood it. He also remembered how Jesus had asked his disciples to let the children come to him. This had happened once when the disciples were trying to prevent a group of children who were part of a crowd from seeing Jesus. The crowd was there to learn from Jesus and the disciples had thought that the children would be disruptive. Jesus had asked the disciples to let the children come to him and not to try to stop them. Jesus had told the crowd that they should be like children and that the Kingdom of heaven belonged to such children. The judge actually felt like he understood these things for the first time but there was something else he didn't understand so he simply asked the child.
    "Why did Jesus say to turn the other cheek?"
Fortunately the child knew what the judge was asking about because he had gone to church and heard the teachings of Jesus. The child didn't go to church that much anymore because he had really paid attention, being fascinated by the stories about Jesus. He had gone to church regularly but now instead he would go to a park and sit on a park bench and it made him feel the same way as being in church had. The child had really paid attention and didn't really need to keep going back to church because he had felt the story of Jesus, the real part of it.
   "Jesus said to turn the other cheek because that is how it looks to a lot of people. They think that to stop being scared you put yourself in danger. As soon as I hated the person who had burned my toy trying to make me think it was gone, I felt my toy was gone and it really was gone for me for that moment. It was gone for that moment because I couldn't feel what part of creation it was, my thoughts had become too destructive for me to be able to still have my toy. You can only have something through love, that's how you hold onto it, through love and not through hatred. " Now the child really had to think, which the child didn't do too often so the child still could really think for that moment. It had become difficult for the child to remember why he was talking about what he was talking about and it felt a little complicated but it didn't feel too complicated. The child paused for a moment, took a good breath and moved it's eyes around a bit and said "When I let go of my hatred I could still hold my toy with love and feel that it was still there and real, even though it had been burned: this is what Jesus means by turning the other cheek... I think. When you let go of hatred, for that moment you can hold something real and stop being so angry. When you think the only reality is being so angry that you stand ready to hit someone back you can't hold anything real because your thoughts are too destructive to hold it This is because you can't feel it anymore. With love you can feel it and hold it."
    The judge looked at the child and smiled, then he took a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his tears away.
    "Jesus also said he who lives by the sword will die by the sword and now I understand that too."
     The judge didn't find the child was crazy and that was also the last day that the judge ever worked as a judge. The people where the child worked didn't really understand any of this and the child was fired. That would have been sad except that the judge had become a friend of the child (he didn't really need a job anymore because he had already earned a whole lot of money) and took the child to church. The ministers were amazed at how the child understood about Jesus and they kept the child there and let him eat their food and stay in their church building where they had some extra space for this. Sometimes the child would talk at church because they asked him to but he never talked very long, although everyone found him a wonder, so the other ministers would still do most of the talking.  The child even made the ministers start thinking for themselves because he sometimes just got tired of talking to them and would tell them he couldn't think anymore and go sit on a park bench or do something else to remember the feeling of how Jesus made him feel. The child also would draw or play on his guitar which he had done before they took him in at the church but he started doing something new. He called it "making pretend he was the wind or so..." he just sort of let himself think of, remember........ or sometimes his mind just  came upon it all by itself that he was part of nature like a tree or a flower and he would spend some time just letting himself be that. Sometimes he would move and dance, sometimes he would make noises or sing, sometimes he would seem to be doing nothing and sometimes he would be singing and dancing at the same time. A few times he even put on certain clothes to make himself look a bit like what he was imagining.
    Slowly more people got to know about this child's thoughts and what he said. Many Christians heard about it, also many Buddhists because they had always believed in nonviolence. The Muslims also heard about his teachings and liked them because the name of their religion meant peace. The Hindus also heard about him and liked the idea of his toy as did the Jews and every religion. People who weren't religious also liked his thoughts because everyone liked toys and there was art in what he said. Before not too long, so many people had heard about this child's thoughts that it was too difficult to count how many there were anymore. By this time the child had grown old, very old, he was more than one hundred years old! One day many people came to see the child and they had a big dinner. Everyone had eaten and the child was to talk to them. The child got up to talk to them, stood up on the podium, smiled and then just dropped down dead. At first people were just horrified at what had happened but slowly but surely people started doing something to make themselves still feel that the child was there and not dead. They did even more different things than the child had done when it was pretending it was a part of nature and all these things did let the people feel that the child was there because the child's thoughts were so simple and profound that they could reach that far to all the people, just like water.
    So many people learned and slowly the earth changed, people learned that only with love could they hold onto anything, otherwise it would change into something else and be beyond their reach. Only by letting go of their anger would they not lose it. People also stopped making things that would cause them to be angry, they even stopped making guns and other things  intended to kill or torture people. They even stopped hurting each other with things that were meant for something different than for hurting. They didn't throw rocks at each other for example. One of the things they did do with rocks is to hold onto one until they felt they could feel the story of the earth (since the rock was as old as the earth) and then they would sing a song about what they felt. This way they were part of the creation and part of why the earth was created. They could see this because they loved and that love allowed them to hold onto a rock for what it was and sing about creation.
       The End 


About a year ago or so, There was one day when I was glad I returned to forever. That I had done something consciously while awake that returned me to the source.

Since I advocate for people abused by the mental health system, there was this girl I helped. Just someone I ran into, as one does, without having to look. She was rather hard to miss, actually. In trying to describe her, I wonder how I can navigate around saying that she’s bombastic; and rather resembled at times a top someone has sent into spinning motion that teeters back and forth with all of it’s accumulated weight from the “medications,” or is she more like someone delicately toting a bale whose immense weight is shifted from one foot to the other, the bale being the full machinery of the mental health system and it’s ridiculous arsenal of deadly weapons, as if the splattering ignition of them justifies making a joke out of inner trauma. Fortunately, that immense governmental institution doesn’t exist anymore, she’s lost more than 100 pounds, and lives with her mother now, finally having someone to talk to.

As a child, she for whatever reason had some difficulty sleeping and became quite talkative. The result was that she was put on lithium, gained so much weight that her father chased her around the bed with a belt because he felt he needed to punish her for it; and In addition to this, by the same purveyors of Lithium which had caused her weight gain,  he was also told to punish her when she – having been doped into regular stupors, oh sorry I mean medicated into various stupors – couldn’t do her school work. She was going to some special school at the local asylum, even. And it fails me to piece together what happened in between that and the teetering collection of military industrial machinery she carried around with her before losing more than 100 pounds; but that seems rather unnecessary. One would think. I don’t know the exact combination of medications that blossomed into this effect of FDA approved wizardry condoned by the APA, and the Circumlocution Office, I’m sure: See Little Dorrit a “fictional” book by Charles Dickens, to leave an accurate political reference.

She had wanted me to help a friend of hers diagnosed with schizophrenia, because she felt I was good at talking with people. Either that or I had convinced her I was. So, I actually set out one day by bus to visit her in her apartment, to talk to her friend. This was quite difficult; because, once I had arrived and we started conversing, we were quite often under artillery fire from memories she had of her “treatment,” when the conversation we were trying to have reminded her of it. In fact, this ammunition she had stored was of such a volume that our conversation often was bombarded with it. And I couldn’t but help wondering how much the neighbors upstairs, who I thought I heard for a moment as if from another world, could attest to this accumulation of momentum.

Being that I’m quite concerned about such a stockpile of ammunition, I called her back up later (on the phone) and asked her about some of her treatment, since I hadn’t really gone to visit her to be an object of target practice; but she got really upset, told me it was none of my business (this stuff I had had hurled at me in trying to talk to someone else: the person she invited me to talk to) and she hung up. She gave quite the impression of a mouse trap snapping shut in doing so, but I was safely on the other end of the phone line, head intact.

Next I heard she was in the asylum. When I went there to visit her, the first person I ran into was someone who apparently had been there for a couple of months; and when I asked him what he was doing there, gave a non-responsive grunt dulled by medications saying that he didn’t know what he was doing there. There’s a local hospital which I had jokingly called years before, asking them whether they had pregnancy tests for males. Apparently, this guy had walked into their emergency room and stated that he was pregnant; but the hospital didn’t remember – as they had informed me years earlier – they didn’t have pregnancy tests for males. I was told that the psychiatrists couldn’t decide whether his illness was that he thought he was pregnant or that he thought he was female. And my friend was in the asylum getting “voluntary” shock treatment, which was making her so unable to concentrate that we couldn’t hold a cohesive conversation. And of all the artillery fire me and her friend had had to withstand, thanks to her inviting me to talk to him, her mentioning of shock treatment was the most explosive.  I heard from her later that she ended up in a State Asylum, after this.

I’m glad to say that when I ran into her one day about a year ago or so, and got a chance to talk to her for awhile. She had been so explosive, I wondered whether I should avoid her, but I thought it would be good to just talk to her. Since I knew about her history, I simply mentioned that I thought she just needed someone to talk to. I was happy to hear that she had a place now where she had someone to talk to. She was living with her mother, who had divorced her father a long time ago; and so, she said she had someone to talk to.

That evening, I could feel that the simple movement to talk to this girl was something that brings what we do while awake back to the source that all time and space comes from, and isn’t imprisoned by it. Back to forever. I could just feel it as I did my daily meditation. Books like a Course in Miracles and the writings of Marlo Morgan and many others; they might explain to you how this works some more…